The Abstract Entity

whats in a quote

2006-09-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

so i'm back
after ages and ages.
but indeed its been forever since i've blogged
but i'm back
thanks you jared and val and yang for visiting.
lol.

lifes been as it has for the last 3 to 4 months
the 3rd prelim is over and now we're for what its worth
gearing up for the o's
haha
=)

its been interesting
i managed to catch lord of the rings return of the king recently
and its amazing how j.r tolken or the producers of lotr could come up with some of the deepest most sensitive quotes
gandalf, aaragon legolas for all their worth as fictional characters
issued lines of deep sentiment
perhaps its those of great thought and wisdom
from the inspired writers of the bible
to chruchill
even to lee kuan yew,isolated as it is.
but what is it that inspires them to such brilliance
life experience?
deep intelect?
or some incredible ability to take perspectives
whatever it is these quotes have been the source of inspiration and drive to many
perhaps it means little to most
but oddly for a non literature person like me,
it is possibly due to my close affinity to anything speech like
that these moving statements are perhaps what truly inspire me
which is really incredible. lol.

till the next time i blog
goodbye

Incacerate Me

2006-07-25T04:46:00.000-07:00

its a new kind of depression.
the worst kind.
its unexplainable
perhaps its this regret over not doing well for the second prelim
failing math,while scoring 1's and a overall improvement in all other subjects
which ultimately count for nothing in a prelim that is worth 15%
the fact that i can't turn back the damage done in prelim 1.
horrendous.
hc rejected my application and i'm off to the place i grew up with over the last 4 years.
not bad
just that it just wouldn't begin.
i'm left here to struggle in the dull monotony that is the o levels.
for what its worth
math isn't giving me anything more than headaches
and my body is simply not willing to take any more torture
though i haven't exactly put it through much.
and there's this sense of loneliness,which appropratiely this blog displays.
for once i can fully admit i'm independent of my phone.
i hardly touch it
and no one ever touches theirs to contact me.
which is good
but yet concurrently immensly depressing.
perhaps its the same depression that has struck val.
this weird sense of urgency as to how far behind i am
but yet not being able to summon the urgency to do something about it.
i expect to be dead when my parents see that i've failed a subject i previously a ttained a distinction for.
rubbing the depression further.
sigh.
such a long long road...

Nitrogen in my breath just to light things up

2006-06-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

thats it
i've sealed both packages
now they await being sent to their respective schools
a months worth of chasing printing and compiling
its done
the fate now is left in God's hands.
He who has been suprisingly kind to me in the last few weeks and years.
Alleluia, God is Great.

now its all left in his hands
the dirty hands of beauracratic processes
thats it
now a month long wait
and we shall see where my future takes me.
short of the little singing in the rain stint, i have yet to fail a application process =not that there's been many.

ah.

to other stuff.
what makes a band click
i was listening to BEP's pump it today and wondered, bep have it all, they're a highyl succesful group, for which their music isnt exactly spectacular.
1. Grab a number of unknown un recognise maverick looking people
2.Arm them with upbeat weird genre music, as well as slow latin gypsy folk slower sounds.
3.1 whacky looking man, 1 weird guy and 1 philopino rapper
4.get a mix of up tempo songs mixed with rap and a bit of ballet, with a tint of diva time.
5.1 really hot babe.

and you basically cover the entire music listening community.
ppl who like rap
ppl who like folk and gyspy
ppl who like weird folk
ppl who like hot babes.
basically people like you, dig your music and are more than willing to buy your album.

Black Eyed Peas for you.

Nitrogen in my breath just to light things up

2006-06-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

Nitrogen in my breath just to light things up

2006-06-19T09:13:00.001-07:00

Nitrogen in my breath just to light things up

2006-06-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

Nitrogen in my breath just to light things up

2006-06-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

a cry for freedom

2006-06-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

i've been surfing around in my boredom
my cursed geography notes in front of me, the laptop screen before me.
robin's in ns
tze kai and the rest of the juniors are having the time of their lives going through the same debate season i have long since tread over
but here i am
caught in this fucked up place called no where studying for the pointless o levels.
its pointless really, all this studying.
your brain gets smarter
but your head gets dumb
and with all vigor and passion we go forth to meet the enemy which is the o levels.
utter bull crap.
i cannot wait
i cannot wait to get this over with
the holidays are ending
its been mechanical studying all along
save for the first two weeks.
to meet me on the first day of school are the prelim 2s
great.
another round of dissapointment and endless studying.
its sad to be such a pessimist
but i'm being realistic with regard to me.
though in the coming month some things might spice up my life.
the completion of our school syllabus, if nothing more than a brief chance to look back and laugh
my submission of my dsa forms
which has been looong overdue by my personal deadlines
i aim to submit it by this tuesday.
and the long waiting for the results.
that decide my future
and just how much slack i can throw.
evidently, none.
but its a relieving feeling.
if i get in that it.
its all so boring.
its such a shame to have met so many interesting, ok maybe just 1, people ar rmun
but not be able to get to meet them.
5 more months
over which period of time i would have grew a year older and a year wiser and wearier.
this is not good.
not good at all.

i'm bored

2006-06-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

1)How old do you wish you were?21
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?in bed rolling around. seriously
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?curse and bang the machine in the hope of getting it out.
4) Do you consider yourself kind?mostly
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?the small of my back
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?French.
7) Do you know your neighbors?used to, till they all moved out
8) What do you consider a vacation?where i'm happy and carefree with nonthing to do and money to waste.
9) Do you follow your horoscope?Nope, its bullshit
10) Would you move for the person you loved?perhaps, though i doubt
11) Are you touchy feely?if i'm interpreting this right, no.
12) Do you believe that opposites attract?yes. looks at ms. goh
13) Dream job?actually its to be a chef at a 5 star hotel. with another of other jobs and succesful careers =)
14) Favorite channel(s)?none in particular
15) Favorite place to go on weekends?depends.
16) Showers or Baths?baths
17) Do you paint your nails?nope
18) Do you trust people easily?pretty much
19) What are your phobias?fear of certain insects.
20) Do you want kids?i guess
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?used to, was supposed to improve my english, and chinese.
22) Where would you rather be right now?out with friends? lan shop,movie theatre,park, whatever
23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?no one. lol.
24) Heavy or light sleeper?moderate
25) Are you paranoid?nah
26) Are you impatient?at times
27) Who can you relate to?no one
28) How do you feel about interracial couples?well done!hahaha
29) Have you been burned by love?i guess? but i oddly i don't feel much for itn now.
30) What's your favorite pick-up line?none.
31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?the classic
32) What were you doing at midnight last night?playing solitare with a friend. haha
33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?my friend missing orchard and asking what i was doing.
34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?mine, progressed to the floor and my parents bed in the morning once they had woken up
35) What color shirt are you wearing?white.
36) Most recent movie you watched?mission impossible 3, in a theatre. not bad la.Honey at home
37) Name three things you have on you at all times?nothing really haha most would be my phone
38.) What color are your bed sheets?blue and white stripes
39) How much cash do you have on you right now?$2.60
40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?Thigh
41) What's your favorite town/city?singapore.
42) I can't wait till:the end of my o levels
44) What did you have for dinner last night?a mix of chilli crab and other assorted chinese dishes
45) How tall are you barefoot?165 =47) Do you own a gun?No
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?WATER
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?care and concern. Haha..for real
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?just finished school, looking for a job
57) Last thing you ate?some weird indian meal.
58) What songs do you sing in the shower?different songs,a whole jukebox worth
59) Last thing that made you laugh?a very interesting account of events from andre
60) Worst injury you've ever had?Fractured left arm.
61) Does someone have a crush on you?wouldn't know would i
62) What's your favorite candy?mostly everything.
63) What song do you want played at your funeral?bring me to life.

Remember the name

2006-05-27T06:09:00.000-07:00

an interesting but i believe meaningful reflection on what it really takes to be succesful.
from the song remember the name, from fort minor i take this break down.

10% luck
15% skil
20% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure
and
50% pain

100% reason to remember the name.

Cold words

2006-05-19T07:46:00.000-07:00

The truth is, you're really alone
If indeed the world is a cold lonely place,
then humans are doomed to endure it.
Family and friedns will pull you only so far.
Yet they have their own lives to live.
They care for you, yes they do.
To the extent that it hurts them to do so,
then they care no more.
You can't blame them for it.
They make descions, which mess yours up,
but evidently are important ones in accordance,
to their own lives.
Your parents love you, always too much,
and in their love and stubboness,
they impeded whatever you try to do.
Their pride overshadows your own,
they will never concede defeat,
they will never listen.
They're abillity to deviate from what they believe to be right,
is frightfully lacking,
and they defend and push their intentions,
as radcally as extremists.
Perhaps there are the heavens above,
whom you look to refuge and solace.
And in your time of need, there is no greater place.
But God only helps those who help themselves,
and sitting and waiting for a miracle gets you no where.
Alas there is only one person left,
that is yourself.
When intentions of love, turn into obstacles in your path.
There is but only one thing to hold onto,
Yourself and your sanity.
Lose either of them and you're dead.
Friedns and love ones try to help,
But what can they really do.
In the end everyone has a life of thier own.
Precious few will give it up for you,
the vast majority won't.
They say love is blind,
no.
love is blinding.
Your family treis to run your life,
driven by the fear derived from loving you.
They run your life the way they would run their own.
not realising it is you and not them who is living it.
They care nothing except your well being,
the irony sadly being,
that in the process,
they care so little for it.
Oh they may try,
but hey who would never take no fo an answer,
would never concede judgement agaisnt their will.
Fret not for in your darkest hour you will have no one.
Fret not, that most of your friends would have better things to do.
Fret not, for the people who love you the most will mess up your life.
Worry instead for how you will deal with it.
The world won't give in.
Your parents will never stop believing in themselves,
if only they knew the tragedy that unfolds because of the will of steel.
Your friends will always be there,
most of the time,
some will even have the audacity to stab you in the back.
That leaves you.
Cold lonely, close to insanity, and very much alone.
In your darkest hour,
all human forms of help would have left you.
they care not for how you feel,
how it would affect you.
You are left with you.
no one else.
its you agaisnt the world.
And i assure you, everything that can go wrong, will go wrong

The End

2006-04-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

-No.There is nothing going on between me and valerie goh.you didn't see anything.couples rarely ever show such loving affection in public (and in retrospect it would have been wiser not to have done that), good friends on the other hand, always have a hug or two for that someone in need.

Yesterday was the official end to my debating career.
Not that i debated, but the competition had ended, the prizes were awarded and the final two mementos that were to be added to my final chapter of my career as a debater were added.
It is, as sam says it, the end.
I will not debate competitively for a long time to come, it is time for another batch of catholic high debaters to take over the flag.
I have nothing to say to the overall results and descions of the night.
i agree with some and disagree with others.
but for most of us sore losers, last night was a night of emotinonal ecstacy.
every part of it.
from being supremly low, to insanely nervous, and a feeling of eny and longing dissimilar to any that i have ever felt before.
nontheless it was the end, it wasn't me on the stage and that was that.
i'm dissapointed i didn't get a higher ranking than i did.
but its nothing i can change.
all i have left now is to start preparation for my prelims.
how monotone.

in other areas the night also granted me some weird form of emotional liberation.
from all the regrets, acrimony and dysphoria, i seemed to have attained some form of release.
without the effects of alcohol.
haha.

JCDCs next.
where, with whom remains to be seen.

this one's for you
=)

reflections

2006-03-31T05:36:00.000-08:00

i'm not one to believe in signs.
but today walking around j8 i recienved one

today a few things hit me
i talked to tze kai for a record 4 or so hours non stop
amazing.
during that time i got a few insights
and i walked off interestingly depressed.

the first revelation.

we walked into popular,
for no particular reason and i looked around
its been 4 years.
every time i walked into popular
i would never not come out without a debate book, or having scouted and looked for one that i would buy to replace my old one.
this time, i didnt
i came across the wide array of various books
and i realised that i didnt have a need to browse through them
i didnt
it felt awkward
weird
and most of all
saddening.
a life a culture had been put to an end.
and right there i had realised it.

then tze kai told me
every morning since last friday he asked himself when he woke up, why was he not a champion.
i told him in reply
the first question i ask myself is do i have to wake up
which is alway true.
then i realised
that i ask myself later on in the day
why did i ever wake up.
and so i live by this credo
till the day where i am able to convicingly ask myself
do i have to wake up?
yes, i've life to live and lots to achive
why did i ever wake up?
cause if i didn't, i wouldnt be where i am today, at the top of the world, and having fulfiled everything i set out to do.
until that day comes
i shall remain down and consumed in my own patheticness

the third and final sign.
i was about to leave for home when i decided that i shall walk around j8
the place which had been my relaxation spot for the last 6 or so years
as i probably wouldnt be able to see it anytime soon
so i did.
i walked in self reflection not really intending to meet anyone
but on level 4 of j8
i met aaron chee.
moving down i went to level 3
where i met gary, my ex softball mate.
level 2
i met chen xiao, my class monitor and mate.
level 1
i met some guy who looked amazingly like jared dass but wasnt him
basement level
i met collin tang.
and on my way out i met chris and andre

incredible
amazingly it reflected everything about my life.
my current life revolving around debates
i saw in aaron
my past, my softball days, and everything else
i saw in gary
my current friends and people that will live thorough o's with me, the highs and most of the lows
i saw in chenxiao
my spititual life that is vastly lacking and failing
i saw in a person who looked like jared but wasnt actualy him.
my future, or the future of debates
i saw in collin
my past, everything i ever wanted and never wanted at the same time
i saw in chris
my friend who had been with me the longest
i saw in andre

life hit you
in the most interesting ways.

i learnt one thing from goh yong han.
no one knows how you feel, rightfully most people don't really care, the world doesnt care
all they care about is seeing the results.
only then will they know how good you are.
before that, they will never know how much you go through, they will never know the pain and hardship, they will never know because they were not there to see you through the tasks that only you yourself could do.
and because of this, you've just have one person to prove anything to
and that's yourself
because the world at large only cares about results
save for the few friends who ride it out with you.
but otherwise
prove it to yourself first
then you won't care what the world thinks
cause you know you're a champion anyway.

this i hope is your answer tze kai

i do hope i'd apply it to myself.

-i walk alone.

Rain Dance

2006-03-30T04:26:00.000-08:00

a week on
from the disaster
ironically
the old tradition of how rainy days signify days that we win at JGs
failed to happen last friday.
ironically once again
its been raining every single day since that day itself.

interestingly the rain
the gloomy skies
the tempremental nature of nature
the cold
and the inumerable rain drops

has a amazingly representitive of how i feel

gloom has set on me
yet i seem to resurrect some sense of happiness, while experiencing extreme sadness
i feel cold inside,like i'm missing something
and in the numerous rain like tear drops i'd never shed for this that i wish i could.

in that way
my life's been a living hell.
i've never been more stressed
i've never came this close to insanity as i did during the course of this week.

interesting
the fate gods played they're trump
and i was caught with a bad hand.

Reuqiem for a Dream

2006-03-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

I Bryan Chan.
The captain of the 2006 debate team, hereby state that such a position, and my career are officially over.
It is the end.
For as far as whatever the name captain goes, its over.
My life as a debater has been a long one.
Of many minor achievements
but non significant enough to warrant pride.
it started in 2003.
the year i was first introduced to debates.
not a cca, but a culture.
in 2004, i made the descion to do away with 2 other promising ccas for the sake of this.
That same year, i recieved my first captain appointment at youth 14s.
it was a compeition that gave hope.
It was the compeition that to date, holds my highest level of achievement in a debate competition.
Finalist.
That piece of silver coated aluminium is now the dearest thing i hold on to.
the team
then, me,andre and joel
were the promise of a future.
we made it that far on our first outing, and it shared hope.
it did.
i witnessed, my seniors, mark amoz and zheng yu.
the team that i saw as un-beatable lose to anglican and R.I
the latter being a deserving loss
the former, a mystery that would never be explained.
it was then that i was exposed to the cruel nature of debates.
how a debate can swing so very easily, but yet be legitimate.
more importantly, i felt and shared that sense of despair.
i had no idea what was in store for me.
That very same year, i participated in my first JGs tournament as a second team member.
though i only spoke once, it was a great experince nontheless.
the blows came at the end of sec 2.
we had aquired ze yi
who's raw talent would never be exploited as he turned his sights to band.
which i cannot accuse him of, as it would have been a descion i would have made myself.
then a even bigger blow.joel left to go to nj.
and i was left with andre.
it felt terrible.
all and any dreams of lifting up any title were destroyed in an instant.
till we found tze kai.
who's amazing talent led him to do the job i did the next year.
2005.
Kenneth kang, feng yao team.
we looked promising.
i earned my first team spot over a even more promising, in my opinion, shaun goh
and that time i cherished that place.
i thought we could go far.
all the ego talks
everything.
instead, what i got was a grand total of 5 semi finals.
5 semi-finals worth of regret, and depression.
it must have been worse for them, but at that point it really felt bad.
sure, its a feat many peolpe would die for.
but for a team with so much potential, it really hurt to come so close to proving it, but never really being able to.
along the way i picked up yet more consoling rankings and various comparitively meaningless reocrds.
NUS, my first ranking ever, 6th place, a hell of a lot higher then i expected to be.
British Council space debate, 8th best speaker and the youngest to get rank.
all bullshit.
when it came down to it, whenever i wrote my dep applicaitons and looked at my achievements
it was sorely lacking in a 1st place, or winning team
and at that point i realised the cure to my ever problematic ego.
the cure was simply that i had nothing left to be ego about.
sure i recieved a few rankings.
all meaningless.
sure enough, in the next JGs
we didn't even break into the quarter finals.
a day that i'd never forget.
2005/2006
i vowed to get something right.
we messed up our first competition.
ironically we lost to Nanyang
the team a year later would put an end to my dreams.
the rest of the barrage of compeitions came.
and we blossomed very well.
we achived the un-inmaginable when we went to win all 3 prelims rounds in NUS and JGs
we came pretty damn close in VJs
but all we walked away with was a semi final place, my 6th heartache, and best speakers.
there i matched my serniors by attaining the best speaker of the series. which once again, is now meaningless.
NUS our best shot at glory and we lose to MGS
a defeat that could be attributed to me.
and here today, at the end of the road, we lost to nanyang.
the team that ended our first compeition as a batch, did it again.

how do i feel?
i don't feel anything.
not exactly the way i had hoped to end.
i don't regret.
i made it out of my last match with the best speech that i've made in my career.
where it got me is here
in front of my computer screen typing this out.
i
the team captain of catholic high debates
as very essentially failed in my quest.
my quest to lead the team to something.
and i failed.
now, at the end of it all, i still cannot believe its all over.
my secondary school debate career is over.
i have no chance to win anything
anymore.
i thank everyone who's been there in one way or another.
the seniors.
for the support that you've given me throughout the years.
alex junyi shawn
the grand seniors and coaches
thanks.
the juniors
who came to support despite having to be dissapointed in seeing their seniors fail so many times.
you're presence was always widely appreciated.
my friedns in school who wished my good luck
thanks.
my friends outside of school
clara,sherry,chris and the rest of you.
than you, you never had to listen to me rant, but you always did.
to the debaters...
valerie,alessa,rachel,suzy,jon,
you'll are the best.
though we were opponents many a time you'll still cared.
thank you especially to val and al.
you two
though being the ones subject to defeat under us
have come to be two of my best friends.
thank you so much for coming to support the cat high team
at ilogical god forsaken places.

sherry thanks for all the good luck calls you always make.
rachel thanks for your concern.
joel, you idiot, coming down to support, as always despite your hate of debate.
al, i've known you the longest, but you've really been a great friend and i will always be a punching bag for you if you need one.

val, thanks for all yor support in everything
not just debates.
but for everything else in my life
its been great fun knowing you.
the unique person who whacked me up with a book less than 3 months after getting to know me.

Alex,jun yi,shawn.
great knowing you'll
the uber wrong
the uber intelligent lot.
its a shame to leave at the same time with the cat high dream unfinished
but shit happens.
thanks for everything

to the juniors:
its been tough seeing seniors like this losing
but i hope that as a batch you'll will find the inspiration
to pay back what cat high deserves
pay back and show that cat high debates deserve respect
show the school
show the circuit
show yourselves
there's no reason to be brought down by ego or selfishness anymore.
you'll as a batch must live out the dream
kevin and everyone else are always willing to help.
you'll will do great.
do what we couldn't
fulfil the dream
the dream we couldnt achieve.
believe, in yourself.

and so it ends.
to everyone else whom i've not mentioned.
thank you.

i too have given up all emotinal attachment with anyone
as many of you have said
i now believe i deserve better.

to those of you who have endured to this part of the entry
thank you for reading, please leave a message.

it is done.
my last testament
has been complete.

though unfulfiled i am.
i dare say
that in my final hour
i went to my grave
with my head held high.

BLOODLUST.

2006-03-23T03:14:00.002-08:00

the day before quater finals.
it feels like this.

i may be writing my resignation speech soon.
i may be kicked out of JGs
i may end my debating career
i may have my dreams as a seondary school debater come to an end

all this could happen tomorrow.
bloodlust.

BLOODLUST.

2006-03-23T03:14:00.001-08:00

BLOODLUST.

2006-03-23T03:14:00.000-08:00

安靜 | An Jing | Silence

2006-03-19T04:29:00.000-08:00

i've finally found the song thats like carthasis to everything i've been feeling
its also become my inspiration to carry on.
sigh.such foolishness

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
Zhi sheng xia gang qin pei wo tan le yi tian
Only the piano accompanies me throughout the day

睡著的大提琴 S
hui jiao de da ti qin
The sleeping cello

安靜的舊舊的
An Jing de jiu jiu de
Quiet and so old

我想你已表現的非常明白
Wo xiang ni yi biao xian de fei chang ming bai
I think you've made yourself clear

我懂我也知道
Wo dong wo ye zhi dao
I know and I'm sure

你沒有捨不得
Ni mei you she bu de
You don't regret

你說你也會難過我不相信
Ni shuo ni ye hui nan guo wo bu xiang xin
You say you're upset too, that I don't believe

牽著你陪著我也只是曾經
Qian zhe ni pei zhe wo ye zhi shi cheng jin
You being with me was in the past

希望他是真的比我還要愛你
Xi wang ta shi zhen de bi wo hai yao ai ni
I hope he loves you more than I do

我才會逼自己離開
wo cai hui bi zi ji li kai
Only then will I bring myself to leave

Chorus

你要我說多難堪
Ni yao wo shuo duo nan kan
You want me to say it, but it is awkward

我根本不想分開
Wo gen ben bu xiang fen kai
I don't even want to break up

為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
Wei she me hai yao wo yong wei xiao lai dai guo
Why must I depend on a smile to tide me through?

我沒有這種天份
Wo mei you zhe zhong tian fen
I don't have the ability

包容你也接受他
bao rong ni ye jie shou ta
To accept both you and him

不用擔心的太多
Bu yong dan xin de tai duo
Don't worry too much

我會一直好好過
Wo hui yi zhi hao hao guo
I'll still be fine

你已經遠遠離開
Ni yi jin yuan yuan li kai
You've already gone far away

我也會慢慢走開
Wo ye hui man man zou kai
And I will slowly walk away

為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
Wei she me wo lian fen kai dou qian jiu zhe ni
Why is it that I have to accommodate you even when [we] break up?

我真的沒有天份
Wo zhen de mei you tian fen
I really don't have the ability

安靜的沒這麼快
An jing de mei zhe me kuai
Staying silent doesn't come so fast

我會學著放棄你
Wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni
I will learn to give you up

是因為我太愛你
Shi ying wei wo tai ai ni
Because I love you so much

i'm never gonna dance again.the way i danced with you

2006-03-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

i dont know why
i
bryan chan
had been the bane of all relationships
i had always hated it.
so why did i get myself into one.
why.

and after all that.
i'm now proven to be, a hypocrite. as well as in my hypocrascy, being completely correct.
relationships
at this age
do not work.
this is to all you out there.
you're just gonna get burned.
-this excluded those who're players or well essentialy are in a succesful reltionship already.
it never works out

at the end of it all.
i'm broken.
tired,sad,and angry.

i hate her for being so fickle.
i hate him, for while being my classmate, for being a bastard.
but above all.
i hate myself
for knowing, everything, knowing that it would never turn out right
and still going after a dream that would never last.
sigh.
i really regret ever getting to know her.
discrediting everything i ever stood for

and now here i stand.
branded
balless,a hypocrite.and above all
a fool.

Round 3

2006-03-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

at last
a time when i feel fulfilled.
i don't know why.
morally.and.emotionally.
its the end of round 3.
we've had one of our more horrid performances but managed to scrape out a 2-1 win
amazing.
i finally attained my best speaker.
emotionally i feel fulfiled.
plus while i got a talk down from my dad who told me my marks were horrid.
i could finally for once feel at ease in the knowledge that i was one step ahead of him in starting my studies.
so yeah.
i guess there's just one last matter of vengance to take care of
which i may eventually feel could just be neglected forever.
as it self destructs in my soul.

to val, al my life long pals
i wish you'll the best really for monday.
and you can come whack me up more than you already have.
michelle you were a great guide (:
wouldnt have gotten home without ya!
but whatever it is debates is just a cca
and i live for the o levles and what comes after.
i'm going into hibernation this week.
gonna be in my hole mugging...
gotta do well for prelim ones.

for the first time in my life i hear myself beaking into the quarts
not only that.we broke first.
probably only the second (or first) time that this has been done
it feels great
but somehow i dont feel like screaming or whatever
for the first time.
whether or not i get a 8th semi finals.
i taste and feel the sense of achievement
not the kind where i could lift my head up and scream for the world to hear.
but the kind that when i look back.
i just sigh and feel glad to the knowledge that i can say.
been there. dont that.

somehow here is gone

2006-02-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

i'm pretty stoned right now.
i don't know what to say
its been a rollercoaster week of emotions
from the wickedly high
to the lowest levels of depression
to pure confusion
,lust and yet the annoying feeling of responsibility.

i've just completed about 2 hours worth of logarithm revision
and i'm completely spaced out

friday24th
one of the biggest victories of my life as a debater
only to be put down by a crashing defeat at the hands of mgs
=only one week on from our best performance in a prelimnaries and we crash out like that
attaining my 6th semi final
i dont know which is worse
i guess the lines pretty hard to draw.
both must suck
the feeling of getting so close to a victory and never get it.
or
the feeling of having the abillity but not having the chance to even fulfil it.
its a hard world
a cruel one.
i in my last days of service to the school have one last competition to bank on.
and i'm gonna do my best
i've already set a goal apart from secondary school
so i guess i'm more or less emotionally prepared.

my emotional stature is getting a nice ripping apart too.
imo i made a mistake at the start of this year.
and it turned my life into a minicatastrophe
while in this catastrophe i must admit i had some of the best times in my life
its come back to haunt me
now i long for it.
sad isnt it
the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" surely is for fools
and i'm a big one.
i don't know how to get rid of this feeling.
they should have a manual for getting rid of feelings you don't want.
i'm goal set.
i know what i've got to do.
but it burns to do it.
many thanks to the people who've put up with me during this period.
rachel,sherry andre. whoeverelse
and of course val. lol.

to that person out there.
who interestingly is somewhere in the lands of ubin
cheers to you.it was great.but i really need to move on.

and for all those who still look at this forsaken little page of ranting
i dont know how much u can gather from this post
but if you know me well enough it'd make alot of sense.

off i go for yet another round of extremly monotone math practice.

Scarlet

2006-02-16T01:39:00.000-08:00

yes.
fine i shall update.
many things have happened since the last entry.
i'm a free man.
i'm a trouble person.
i'm a excited person.
i'm a depressed person.
and the combination of all these feelings feels horrible
the result of which has left me feeling like i'm detached from myself
a flicker of a something else
haha.

JGs round one has come and gone.
the second round,blissfully taking place in ang mo kio this time
i must say it was the best performance by a cat high team in a extremly long time.
we finally worked,though unconciously as a team.
and i've never seen andre kua give such a good speech in all my 4 years as a debater with him.
but its over now.
and we have NUS and the second round of JGs to overcome.
perhaps i will get my umpteinth semi-finals
but i dont care anymore.
my single motivation will be my O's and nothings gonna stop me.
i wanted to blog something similar to val's pre-JGs entry.
but i've decided to let it wait till the time when JGs is officially over for me.
and on a side note to val. dont give up! its only the first damn round
=)

on other things
my common tests are over.
tests that i hadnt actually planned on studying hard for
but everntually lead to me studying harder than i have for the last 2 months or so.
it also lead me to finding a new conducive enviroment,school, and a motivation to score.
ha. sounds so perfect.
all relationships stronger than just a friend have been dropped.
i do still feel a sense of betrayal and hatred
but its for my own good.
oh well.
burnt again.
i hate this. and this time i really am going to keep my vows.
i finally as well understood why Burn from usher had so much effect on joel as well
haha.
the power of broken dreams.

As for the weird title.
it indeed has no relation to my entry
but its whats playing now.
OST ayashi no ceres.
go find it.
its a good remedy for the broken hearted.and the wishfull thinkers. i.e me myself and i

what your mind could be thinking at 2 in the morning

2006-01-25T10:08:00.000-08:00

i have 2 tests within the next 12 hours
i'm emtionally prepared to fail both
i am however sufficently prepared to salvage a ok grade on both of them

i do not know what has gotten in to me
i'm living life very randomly
i study ocasionally
never productive.
and i have not been doing anything else

i think my form for debates is going down
i havent had a proper training session in about 2 weeks
and my ego has gotten to me
my first com. is next saturday
its chinese new year
which effectively cuts our prep time to a grand total of 3 days
to prepare 3 motions
2 if you exclude the finals which is highly unlikely that we'd break through anyways.
judging from my amount of luck in the last 5 competitions
well..lets just say i'm going to give this my all.
add in the fact that my common test week starts a day before SRJCs
well
i'm preeeetty much screwed.

hello there
the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue.

and then comes the emotional rollercoaster rides that i've been having since new years day 06
traumatising year it has been.
so far.
i don't like it.
one bit.
i hate the o levels.
i hate the trends of studing that has been attached to it
i hate it all
i live for the end of the o levels
till then i'm about to drift though conciouss involuntary studying
drift through solitude and companionship
drift through out right discrimination
drift through whatever ups and downs that may come in my relationship and in debates

impressively if i'm not in a surreal jaded state come june
i have survived.
i'm half asleep.
greetings to whoever constantly visits here for updates
please leave a message =)

my bed dented in on itself
i can't sleep on it.
so i head now for the floor. with a pillow and some books.

-yes jing i have a girlfriend.
let me not regret this

and christmas is a time of reflection.

2005-12-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

and its the end of the year
again.
life.
is boring.
really...
it seems we go through the same thing every year.
the annual start of the year high.
the mid year lows
and the end of year regrets and reflections.
you'd think people would get wiser and just live life without periodically stoping and reflecting.
but yet humans are suckers for emotions.
and the need for carthasis to free these emotions.
and therefore this blog.

yet
this blog has gone through quite a bit.
its served as a page of reflection
a place to rant.
a place to release emotion
a place to perhaps help myself realise that perhaps people out there do give a damn.
and yet i say blogging is stupid.
and i stick to it
yet this blog has not closed down.

its been a long year.
very long.
too long
yet ironically, way too short.
there's always so much to regret.
i regret wasting my first term away.
i regret wasting whatever time i has to study away.
i regret wasting time on useless things like dota
i regret wasting time not reseraching and reading up for my debates.
i regret.
there's always so much to regret.
as i sit here neglecting work that i should be doing
neglecting people i should be talking to.
i think that perhaps
the hoookie pokie was really what its all about.
perhaps, the finer things in life shoud be enjoyed.
yet the world calls.
its good enough to tell myself i'm young.
i've lots of time
i can squander it away on my ccas and stuff.
i can't say it hasn't reaped results.
honestly 5 semi finals isn't too bad.
2 previous rankings in the top 10
and 1 best speaker of the series isn't too bad at all.
yet it came at a price.
i'd love to do my cca
forever.
yet reality struck
i'm horribly under performing for my studies.
horrendously.
i don't care how i get into JC
i want a decent score.
i'm about to enjoy the remaining 3 weeks
before my new year starts.
a year i will not enjoy.
O'levels loom.
and while loads of people will say its nothing to worry about.
i say thats bullshit.
whether is simply ego over how 'i' have gone through it, or simply consolation from friends and family.
its something to be concerned.
i've made alot of sacrifices for this.
heh
in my opinion that is.
i rephrase.
i've attempted to make sacrifices for this as many of you may know, but in different ways.
its long ride.
one that i will be glad to take.
and enjoy especially once its over.
sigh.
reality.
i find myself less and less motivated to do anything now a days.
adrenaline has little effect on me
short of giving me mild asthma.
its gonna be a new year again.
one thing to worry about before that though.
christmas.
and for less affluent people like me who have like a budget 20 times less then my teamate
its a rough period.
heh.

happy holidays.

The Abstract Entity

2005-11-30T06:56:00.000-08:00

Ego.Ignorance.Arrogance.
Bliss.

this is so incredibly quintisential of me.
its 2 days before my competition.
i'm ranting again.
yet.
as seen in the past
in 3 to 4 days time
i will be writting a story about how i've failed in life.
again.

no

i don't want it to end this way.
we've worked so damn hard.
we've won
lost
in the most spectacular, disgraceful and contraversial ways.

i've had 4 semi finals.

and at this point

i really do not need a 5th

i doubt its anything anyone can understand.

not because this is an extremly bad expereince
just that everyone would have had a similar probably worser experience.

yet a 5th semi finalist place is just irritating.
its so monotone.
its so un cool.

this sucks.
saturday 3rd december.
sigh.

Post No. 35

2005-11-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

its incredible.
how it hits u that at there really is an end to something that seems never ending.
as of nov. 12th my approximately 9 year faith growing journey will end. giving way to perhaps a new one.
before that.
its incredible how many things i've been through.
especially the past 3 years.

interestingly
despite my low profile
i have made some great friends down at svdp.
friends which i will always remember.
regardless on how close i was to them.
always remember
the stupid crazy and retardedly hilarious things we've done.
always remember he 7 min walk down to church.
always.

its been such a long time.
and as george says, when you think about it
such a progressive step is very scary.

i've never cared much for these letter boxes.
apart from that it boosts ones ego slightly to see who knows you.
only till now.
having recieving letters from friends made so long ago
receive letters from teachers whom have grown and nutured your soul
it really does put some thought into what had happened the last 9 years.
but especially since the start of teenagehood.
cat class, church, has been the only thing that has been constantly with me.

from the hilarious julius, to the slightly monotone yet whacky aunty michelle and uncle eugene
to the ever caring aunty cecilia and aunty phyllis
they've all done a great job and my heartfelt grattitude will always go out to them.

then there are the friends.
people i've hated becoming some of my better peers
people i've known since primary school, becoming even closer friends
people whom i've never known becoming some of the better friends i've ever had.
these special people as of 12th november for the most of them will become part of my history.
the guys the girls and everyone else.

the events.
those camps
where all was forgotten in crazy unisex contact rubgy.
to those deep spiritual sessions that all had us deep in thought and spiralling in our own worlds.
as well as all the trouble that we all ever got into
the countless skits
the endless laughter.
and of course the numerous, scandoulous attractions that occur.

in time all this will become a memory.
a memory that may be forgotten.
but for the most part enjoyed.

keep this memory in a safe place i will.

i thank all who've written to me
and those who didn't
and my apologiese for those whom i've left out
i will always remember each and eveyone of you.
such impressions always last.

those this blog will greatly do injustice to such a post
since extremly little people come here.
i do wish anyone to leave a message.

because mesages if you think about it
are often some of the most influential things
in life.

Reanimation

2005-08-31T03:49:00.000-07:00

Its really nice to have back all the debaters, at most of the ones i grew up with back together again
to debate against them, and have them compliment you, and to hear arguments of a level far from yours.
Its really a challenge.
its also a great time to bond.
its been some time since the gong jiao people have been at a fast food outlet just talking, though most of the talk is dominated by gaming tactics =D
its nice to see the seniors again.

remembering the times when they 2 years older than me, would flood an 8 min speech at me, and i was supposed to come up with an equvilant 6 mins speeech.
its extremly challenging, and beneficial
and as i grow older i guess, being forced to do such near impossible acts are really beneficial now.
its my duty now i guess to put all of that in place.
it hasnt really hit me fully that for the first time i have no one to rely on and to be fed but myself.

and though i will always regret leaving softball
the only way to justify that action, to myself and to my ex-teammates, is to win something
and let that be my inspiration.

Re-thinking

2005-08-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

the problem with this blog is that its all about me whining about defeats and being sorely depressed over it
i'm sorry.
1) that;s the way my blog was going to be from the very begining
2) i just can't stop losing

i'm not going to whine about what happened last night
the realisation is that sometime you get really fresh judges
and if you can't convince the most low level or juvenille of the lot
then very basically you have yet to grasp the simplest of debating concepts
there's no point wasting torments of logic on them
if you can't sound nice doing it

it set me thinking though
i've lived through 2 senior batches of debaters.
and i've spoken with the last senior batch as a member of their team
of which we've seriously done a great number of things
though we've never touched gold
yet now, it seems that we're spiralling no where
and then i considered the desicion i made almost 2 years ago
to drop drama and softball
both of which i could have gone a great distance
how i turned my back on a softball team that had grown together
and had been promised to grow even more
and how i turned my back on a drama group that now is greatly lacking in members on the senior batch
how i turned away all of that to go for debates
and i told myself
it would have been the same for all the other two
that if i dropped deabates i would have exelled equally, and that debates was the one i chose.
the irony of it all
is that ever since i've placed my time in debates i have yet to achieve anything big.
while softball had went on to claim the naionals c div championship. i could have been there
while drama had went on to claim a gold in SYF, the first in cat high drama history. once a gain, i could have been there.
and right now
for one thing
it is plausible to accept that perhaps we didnt train hard enough
perhaps we've been just too cocky (something i strongly believe)
perhaps we've been aiming so high we fall so low.
perhaps
its easy to say that when you give it all and you lose that you have no regrets.
true
but when do you know you gave your all.
i've been giving my all in most of the matches we've lost.
there's gotta be something wrong there.
maybe i'm just not good enough
maybe this cockyness has clouded my abillities
i reserve comments for the rest of the team
not here not now

its just really saddening.
many other friends and debaters have exelled so much and so far
and here i am sulking in the bottom of it all.
i've never let any of this get to me.
though i feel like that string of irritance holding me togethre is growing to taut.
and it feels like its going to snap pretty soon.
or rather
i just feel really sick and tired of not going anywhere
sick and tired of going home to my parents and telling them that i've gotten no where
again.

at this point
i'm going to lay down my debate ambitions for awhile
maybe a for like half a year or something
if i'm going no where i guess i better make good time of it doing other things.

step by step
we all fall down
like toy soldiers.

Nerdation

2005-08-04T04:56:00.000-07:00

its incredile
how much of a nerd i'm becoming
i've mugged like more then 20hours this week
more then i'd ever study in a month before
like i trugged 4 chemistry books to school today
and back
i'm amazed with myself
warcraft is gone
every single game on my com is gone -=and i've had no intention of re-installing any of them
considering eoys are coming
hahahahahaha
fuk
horrid test week
i didnt finish the h1pjgoij e math paper
=i'm gonna fail again
lest to say to rest of the subjects

gotta start training up my basketball
i suck dirt now

i'm gonna sleep

fatigue takes over me

the fate of not going anywhere

2005-07-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

i dont know what to feel
i've extremly annoyed.
to the extent words fail me.
its like im fuking cursed or something la
i've had 4 semi finals
and like what 4 prelims without breaking
and one finalist position?
whats up?!
sometimes i'd like to think its not my fault
but it very much is
bleh
i cant talk about championships
i cant talk about victories
i talk about bloody survival.
this time around it was pretty much my fault.
with this marking the first competition
i've had to sort of lead the team.
and i was instrumental on the first loss of the day
a loss that if did not happen would mean we'd be back at hc on wednesday
what a wrong call
i should have so known better.
the second loss
i don't know, honestly i think we'd honestly deserved to win
but so did the oppostion, and they did a better hob =i still dont know about the descion i made regarding the last debate
i can only hope it was for the better
might not have thouhg considering we lost.
i've a long way to go
is not an excuse i will have for very long more =im bloddy cursed la
what wrong with me?

Here we go again.

2005-07-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

this is gonna be a duo post
cause there really is 2 sides to this day =\ -points down

i've got LOTS of plans
LOTs of ambition
and sadly
all of them may just come crashing down this saturday
fuk
i'm the senior now
lesser excuse to screw up now
not that there ever was
its times like these where i wish i was still back in softball doing a sport
the sad reallity
is that debates is so subjective that you can never tell when you've won

i miss the days
i miss the time when i was scolded for evey mistake i made on the field
i miss the times when as a team we recieved pep talks
coming away stronger and mroe motivated then ever.
this saturday
i really have to hit for the fence
and past it
there are no more excuses
there are only reasons
reasons for sucess
reasons for failure
i will know these reasons at the end of this saturday
something tells me i will be doing alot of reflection =
one shot
one oppourtunity

the saddness
i've started my debating career relatively young.
one of the youngest -i refer to cat high now- person to debate in the first team at sec 2
its been a long long way
of dissapointments
with much to learn from.,
start of my career at sec 2 not breaking, but contibutory to the best second team perofmance from cat high =then, a finalist place, losing to ac (seriously brilliant people) and retaining only a silver chunk of plastic, at youth 14s
then
HCs last year
wining 2 and denied a place to go thru - only shows the reason why you go all out for 3
then me kang and ffys infamous 4 streak
in order of occurance
Charitas, VJC invites, NUS Challenge shield, BC/DA space debates.
where we got knocked out at the semis for each and everyone.

saturday
will be the start of my second and last round of debate competitions.
i have to somehow find a way to psyche myself up.
to focus on my goal.
sounds so spastic.

"Its othing personal. Its just buisness"

Messed up my life

2005-07-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

this is gonna be a duo post
cause there really is 2 sides to this day =\ -points up

My life is messed up
screwed up
i come home everyday
to feel frustrated
angered and sad.
perhaps its due to a lack of a true form of carthasis to my angst
its tearing me up inside
illness isn't helping me either
i don't know whats wrong with me
i don't know what i want from this sorry life
its two weeks to my common tests
tests are need to score in
and i've done nill to improve myself
or catch up rather
right now i'm too caught up in preparation for hcs
an excuse at best
i'm just hopping it won't be after this
fuk
the sad thing is when you see friends around you
are enjoying the luxaries you want to enjoy because first of all their rich enough
secondly they don't really care much on their shit studies or they think they're fine
thirdly cause they have a knack for multi tasking prioritizing and thus reucing the time they need to mug =how i envy these people.
then there is the way i speak to people
its like some identity crisis.
in addition
some time i don't know when i've said too much, when it gets offensive and when to stop.
for that i really apologize to anyone who has suffered from this.
its weird
i've never felt in the right skin.
i'm a weird person.
its like i haven't got a care in the world.
my parents think i dont -haha
lots of my general friends don't think i do
my closer friends never know really wants going on inside
no fault of theirs
i'm never open enough to tell them
and i'm really stagnant in my deeper social life
thankfully that for now is not a problem.

how could this happen to me?

Get on fire

2005-07-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

it is time
our first outing
onto the fields of battle.
we will go to our graves.
but with our heads held high

Public Apology

2005-07-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

more to the seniors of cat high

i apologise for the previous posted entry
i apologise for putting it there
and not the way i feel.

do not take any part of it into account
its just me being an idiot
an expressing myself
selfishly

i have nothing more to say
at least nothing that will pang at how i really feel

i should've known better =\

Lifehouse.

2005-06-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive

Like a computer game says: Game Over. You Loose

2005-06-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

i suck
i've waited 2 whole years
to think of making a move
how could i have not realised that perhaps 2 years is too long a time
that too long a time is an understatment

Constantly girl you're on my mind,
And girl i think about you all of the time
And even though words are hard to say,
Girl i miss you, never thought i'd feel this way.

2 years
indesicion
confusion
hope
dillusion
my reasons for waiting this long.

You know that it's true.
Every time i see your face i miss you baby
You know that it's you.
I want to let you know you're driving me crazy.
I'd do anything to help you to see, i don't think you understand what you're doing to me.
You know that it's true.
Every now and then i want to call you baby.
You know that it's you.
I say a prayer that you'll come back to me lady.
Oh yeah.
Life ain't anything alone can't you see you're an angel in my eyes,
Everyday you're closer to me.

Lost
to a good friend
its not his fault
its mine
its all a game
he gets the girl
he wins
at least in this case
you can't expect much if u wait 2 years can you

Nobody's there when i call your name,
And nights are cold girl without your flame.
But if i could girl i'd make you see.
That i'm sorry, and that i need you here with me.

what do i wish for?
i don't know
its unreasonable to ask you to reconsider
so long down the road
what i wish for now i guess
is to break away
break free
from this

Every day reminisce with the past
Of a love that we thought would last.
How we used to be when it was you and me.
How did it all disappear so fast.
There are days that i can't forget
There are things that i now regret.
I was there for you when you were there for me, and i was thinkin' we were set.
Every night when i'm laying in my bed
I hear your voice going round in my head, think of all the things i could have done and all those things i could have said.
I really will make it up to you
I know now what i've got to do,
It took time but now i've realised how much i'm missing you.

i never knew it was you
never knew it was you that was that gap
as i looked for things so superficial
what i was searching for left 2 years back
and now
its all over
i shouldnt be writing this
but i guess i owe myself one
or i'd struggle with it for eternity.

it took time but now i realise how much i'm missing you.

Hitch to no where

2005-06-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

warning
to all those
who like to go to a movie
and spend $7 just to laugh at nonsensical no logic humor
or
if you like to spend $7 on a movie
where
u have to remove ALL the nonsensical no logic humor
and understand the DEEPER meaning to a show
of which is SO abstract, and so non existant to the point that you're creating your own meaning
a meaning that you feel the show IS about but not the actual meaning of the show

then go watch hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

the characters are cute
the shows funny
but other than that
there is no meaning behind it!
i left the cinema feeling EXTREMLY brain drained by the shows incredible stupidity

to think i was so deperate to watch a show =i should have bloody hell went to watch madagascar!
but oh wells
a laugh is a laugh =D

you couldnt get this colour even if u had a personal genie

2005-06-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to see you
Wanna see if you still got that look in your eye
That one you had for me
Before, we, said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we
Gotta spend our time bein mad about the same things
(Over and over again) about the same thing
(Over and over again)
Ho.. but I think, she's leavin
Aw, man, she's leavin
And, I don't know what else to

Can't go on not lovin you

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturin you with him
And it hurts so bad... yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it, I can't shake it no

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps playin in my head
(Over and over again) play in my head
(Over and over again)
Ho.. but I think, she's leavin
Aw, man, she's leavin
And, I don't know what else to do

Can't go on not lovin you

untitled

2005-06-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

i just spent
14 mins doing a retardedly horrible quiz
was going to post it
but decided to spare everyone the horror of reading the english on it
don't know how ppl could have done it in the first place

anyhow

screwing up my debate life
which is bad
if i hope to achieve anything this year

short sweet simple

lol

im sorry just in a hurry to chalk in as much sleep b4 i wake up at 7 tmr

the time is 331

adios ppl
tag!
i'll trt to update more often
though its against my values =D

i want the truth
you can't handle the truth

F.Y.I

2005-06-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Got this off alessa's blog.
thought it'd be interesting to do a survey again.
[ .01. ] first name: bryan
[ .02. ] middle name: don't know
[ .03. ] last name: chan
[ .04. ] nickname: vandal? or none at all
[ .05. ] gender: male
[ .06. ] age : 15
[ .07. ] birthday : 2oth august
[ .08. ] height: no idea. arpund 165-167?
[ .09. ] hair color: black
[ .10. ] eye color: brown
[ .11. ] race: chinese
[ .12. ] do you wear glasses or contacts: perfect eyesight =D
[ .13. ] do you have braces: no
[ .14. ] is your hair long or short: slightly long for a guy
[ .15. ] where were you born: singapore
[ .16. ] current location: home. room.
[ .17. ] zodiac sign: leo
[ .18. ] how many languages do know: 2 with a number of dialects.
[ .19. ] nationality: singaporean
[ .20. ] bad habits: dozing off. inabillity to not always break rules
[ .21. ] piercings you have: 0.
[ .22. ] piercings you want: ear.
[ .23. ] tattoos you have: none
[ .24. ] tattoos you want: zilt
[ .25. ] today's date: 1st june
[ .26. ] the time: 21:56
[ .27. ] ready for a more questions?: fine?
[ .43. ] are you still in school: yeah.
[ .44. ] did you drop out: never
[ .45. ] current GPA, or last GPA: don't know
[ .46. ] favorite grade: Pri 5 and 6
[ .47. ] least favorite grade: Pri 4 begining to hate sec 3
[ .48. ] favorite teacher: a number
[ .49. ] least favorite teacher: mostly chinese teachers
[ .50. ] favorite subjects: sciences. history.
[ .51. ] least favorite subject: don't have oneee.
[ .52. ] do you buy lunch or bring it: buy
[ .53. ] play any sports on the school's team: used to play softball. did drama for school. now debating
[ .54. ] do you do any extracurricular activities(CCA): debate.
[ .55. ] are you popular: no. normal.
[ .56. ] favorite dance: R&B
[ .57. ] least favorite dance:none
[ .58. ] favorite memory: a number.
[ .59. ] least favorite memory: quite a few
[ .60. ] most humiliating moment: too many
[ .61. ] number: 7
[ .62. ] clothing brand: none in particular. cheap and nice works =D
[ .63. ] shoes: a number
[ .64. ] saying(s): dont have one.
[ .65. ] TV Show: Comedies. CSI. The practice
[ .66. ] sport: softball, bball, soccer, badminton. baseball.
[ .67. ] vegetables: none in particular
[ .68. ] fruit: anything
[ .69. ] movie: liked all i've watched
[ .70. ] magazine: Lime? haha...when sis buys it
[ .71. ] actor: none
[ .72. ] actress: none
[ .73. ] candy: dunno
[ .74. ] gum: mint or spearmint
[ .75. ] scent: dunno
[ .76. ] choc bar: dunno...not really a chocolate fan
[ .77. ] ice cream flavor: vanilla =D
[ .78. ] color: none in particular
[ .79. ] seasons: only one in singapore
[ .80. ] holidays: a holiday is always great no matter when or what it is
[ .81. ] bands: green day. hoobastank. the calling.
[ .82. ] singer: none
[ .83. ] group: none
[ .84. ] rappers: Fabulous. Eminem. 50cent. and a few others
[ .85. ] types of music: everything.
[ .86. ] things in your room: Books. Table. Bed. Mirror.
[ .87. ] place to be: right now? massage parlour.
[ .88. ] radio station: 98.7
[ .89. ] tv channel: rarely watch
[ .90. ] junk food: chips
[ .91. ] overall food: any and everything
[ .92. ] food store: many
[ .94. ] fast food: many
[ .95. ] restaurant: nip (none in paritcular)
[ .96. ] shape: nip
[ .97. ] ok. empty question: are u reatarded?
[ .98. ] coolest person you know: none.
[ .99. ] name your good friends: joel. jing. chew. junyang. (sorry if i've forgotten anyone =P)
[ .100. ] funniest friend: jing.
[ .101. ] lamest friend: myself
[ .102. ] best person to talk to when you're down: myself. dont like burdening ppl.
[ .103. ] best person to talk to when you're hyper: jo. maybe rach.
[ .104. ] person you miss the most now: someone in particular.
[ .105. ] best friends: jing joel
[ .106. ] person you hope you'll die with: that significant someone. Lol
[ .107. ] drama queen: dot
[ .108. ] boyfriend/girlfriend: nil
[ .109. ] time together: NA
[ .110. ] if not, who do you like: some of ya'll may know. =P

-snooze

The past Haunts me

2005-06-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

that person is back

like a flicker in the force as a jedi might say

someone's presence is back stronger then ever over the last 2 years

ever since a seperation.

a rift

a divide

between mortals

yet it seems so special.

so incredible

at least it WAS

another chance?

a sign?

a call to action?

we're all less niave, more mature, more itellectual, more tactfull and a whole lot more experienced

could this mean something?

or nothing at all.

Been talking alot more about this person.

Perhaps i'm dillusioned and can't break free from my own bonds.

Let time tell.

Term 3 will be mine to kill.

These are the moments.
These are the times.

The Begining of The End

2005-05-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Hats off to George Lucas, ILM (industial lights and magic) the cast and crew of star wars epsiode three.

First off, as any star wars fan would know episode 3 is the most anticipated show ever since the release of episode 4. The link between the past and the present, from the old republic to the new. It was meant to be the bridge between all that was a blank in the extended star wars universe
i shan't spoil anyones viewing pleasure, not that anyone comes here anymore.
Brilliant story line, though the links from scene to scene could have done with more screen time to allow a greater explanation and transition of the story line. Damn. I realised that when one criticizes to much, one does not enjoy the movie. hmmm...
its amazing how the extended universe ennables one to fully comprehend things within the movie
for example the numerous times palpatine and anakin walked side by side, symbolic of what was to come as master and apprentice.
A grusome story at some points, but highly understandable
heh...
intresting how the Republic was transformed into the galatic empire, i didnt see that one coming, but it sure explains alot, for example why the primary starfighters in the begining scenes looked like hybrids of breeding an x-wing with a tie fighter. as well as why the republic suddenly had starships the likeness of imperial star destroyers, because the republic's fleet is sadly and sorely always lacking in muscle power =P it was intresting to see for the first time a ship that could actually challenge a stardestroyer on the republic's side, instead of the standard mon calamari cruisers that dominate the new republic (or rebel alliance whatever you want).
one can't help feeling sad for anakin, though he was in the end his own downfall, which lead him to be the most revered bad guys in history of entertainment, darth vader himself.
some intresting points.
i have since forgotten what species yoda actually is, however, it was quite intresting to see tat 800 year old ball of green mass bounce around with a light saber taking on palpatine, who is even more stunning.
an old crippled sith lord who's body is rapidly decaying due to the power of the dark side moving with the agility of a young boy.
it was quite hilarious, yet his lightsabre skill is unparrellel to any that has ever been seen by a sith or a jedi thus far.

ahh
had enough for starwars for now
go watch it
its really good
you might just get converted as well =P

felt incredibly lonely, bored, and jaded thus inspring me to blog.
may the force be with you

~sugar sugar how you get so fly

Updateee: Nothing new

2005-05-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

Its 1 AM in the morning and here i am studying Social studies
ive spend the last 6 hrs or so doing chemistry
which is still incomplete
with a table to memorise

wow

never worked so hard for some time
im taking a break and sudden'y had the inspiration to blog

laugh out loud

the whole worlds studying
its crazy
friday i begin ploughing through 3 inches worth or bio notes and textbook for a stupid 50% 5 chapter tests
sigh

lots have things have gone on recently
lots o regretful things that i can't give a shit about

lots of hatred to certain things
lots of love to certain things and people

lots of confusion
both mental and emotional
mostly mental

been demoralised
been motivated
largely the latter

closer friends might know

lots of anticipation
lots of dread
living through the dread now

blah

time to go
gonna study N. Ireland
as if it has anthing beneficial to me socially

blah

-i wish to be in her mind for 5 mins

~the king of torts

Battle Wounds. . .

2005-04-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

Our time of battle has ended
two weeks ago,
it all ended in a hall somewhere we've never really had much luck
ha!
luck
we sure need alot more of it than we have currently
a multitude of reasons for not breaking
sadly it would all boil down to not wining the first round
Mistakes
endless amounts of them
at least this wouldnt be my last competition
yet the people that broke somehow someway
seemed to taunt us even more
not that they actively did it
its just something psycholoigical
our best performances weren't enough to continue a broken trend from our seniors
screw it
maybe it was a good thing
a sign =P
-denial

and two days from now

our toughest challenge yet
it will be our third time facing them
weather in a proper competition or friendly
more than anything
this will be our 4th semi finals we've earned
-all the jokes-
it'll be like david and goliath
but maybe david might just run out of rocks
we shall see
yet it must be done
it shall be done
rocks or not

-disappear

To the middle of my frustrated fears and beyond

2005-03-24T00:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that the compositions here have to be so incredibly depressing
=D

British Council space debates
well intresting enough, decent match ups
i guess, came away with a win and a best speaker award for me, my seond time
which dissapoints me in a way
yet
the biggest blow of the night came with the release of the match ups for the next round

RJC

brilliance
they didnt have to make our chances of having ANOTHER semi finals added to our chart
as if 3 prior ones werent enough
screw it.
gonna research like a mad fuck

i'm not about to go to my grave and dig it for them
its just going to be yet another spar with our seniors
only this time different people
ahhhhh...its pretty damn annoying to loose 3 semi-finals and know that the prosepect of adding a fourth to your list is incredibly high

i mean the only consolotion to that is that you don't loose 3 finals
which would have been even worse

but thats number one

number two
i can't believe how incredibly egoistic i've become
its something that i really hate but can't seem to dettach from myself
it really is very bad to smoke your way through anything
let alone smoke your way through yourself...
it affects my performance
and i've got to find a way to stop it =
number three
this actually came out of no where
but really
if you
a certain debtaer in green reads this
i'm sorry, if it looked like i was mocking you, but i really wasn't
and those greetings were sincerely or sub sincerely at least meant for its originated intention
so i apologise for any misconceptions that you may have

finally. . .
some of you may or may not know
about whatever has happened in the past for me

but pretty much recently i've been blaming a rather innocent party
for a fault of no one's
its intresting how prejudice people can get just from failed attempts at relaitonships or whatever
but this i guess is just to set at ease a part of my concience that has been biting me for doing so
i'm sorry that i am revealing so painfully little
but this is cyberspace
and i never know who is or isn't visiting my blog

i guess this one is targetted at the closer friends of mine
who would probably understand

anyways
going to continue chatting for now
may be just like another month not blogging
=)

can't fight the demons within me

Blah

2005-03-07T07:18:00.000-08:00

i'm screwing up my life
sigh
freaking bad lar
i never thought i'd see the day that i would come so close in failing english
im dissapointed with my maths
which i may fail
blah
my class
divided
half comparing how many subjects each of us failed
versus
the other half comparing how many As they recieved
why must i be in the former
bleh
IM DUMMBBBBBB
shit

Ignition

2005-03-07T05:02:00.000-08:00

Why is everyone talking about Julia Gabs
its like every single debater i know has been talking about it
bleh
nontheless
good luck to ac peeps and whoever is participating in this friday's special JGs round =P

fucked up headprefect in my school
can't stand him
so incredibly disorganiesed
prejudice
irresponsible
like the worse thing to happen to prefects
so sue me if any of the prefects read this and tell him
cause frankly i can't give a damn about you anymore
you'll can go on in ur own dillusionment
and deprateness
i mean
what the hell...going for a bloody investiture for the primary purpose of seeing girls
you'll are bloody fucked up
in addition
who the hell came up with some brilliant idea that all 40 prefects have to be on duty at one time
bullshit
its pure laziness

i know its your job
and you a nice guy outside it
but you took up the bloody job
DO IT PROPERLY
and don't be so fucking prejudice
its because of you that im so slack
do you honestly think i'd do the same with hua xia?
fuck you lar...
i'm being an extreme coward by saying this here
but i can't care anymore

you are so fucking prejudice that i can't stand it anymore
represent the school my foot
you're no more than portraying what the teachers want
if you want to be they're puppet and be so bloody caught up in whatever goals you want to do
than don't fucking drag people in with you
cause if you do at least some of them wouldnt mind
its the sacrifice we took
but at least work hard enough to gain our respect
Just because you have a badge that says headprefect accounts for nothing more than that you were popular
so get a life
and don't take mine

Consider this...

2005-02-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

what if the time was now
what if you'd never get another chance
what if your one opportunity
your one shot
was now
what if you or i never got the chance to ever say those three words
i love you
because we were to affraid of what people would think
what if you never got another chance
what if tomorrow never comes
and the people that you loved
inside your family and outside to your peers and the people slightly more special then them
they'd never get to hear from you
how much you cared for them
what if that one shot that you so hoped for in the future never comes
and the things you put off now
weather you believe it for the better or the worse
get to be tried
relationships
sports
games
whatever
what if you never get the chance to experience the raw human spirit involved in each of them
would you then regret it?
would you then even have a chance to regret it
i sure as heck don't
but considering that tomorrow will probably come
i am still afraif of the implications on me
of my actions
the consequences it will bring
i don't want my world to revolve aroung books and school
i don't want my world to be revolving aroung people's perspective of my religion
i don't want my world to have only me, as a main supporting actor
i want a mixture
i want whats tangeible yet intrinsictly intangeible
i want to feel the rawness of emotion, the life, the love, the power and the utter exhileration
i don't want to fail, who does
yet i don't want to live my life trying not to fail vau
i dont' want to die
but i'm not keen on living either, let me not come to such a point
i want to be socialing confident
not for a cause of benfit to myself
but for a cause of justice to myself
to justify my existance
not to anyone
but to myself
because i feel like i'm wasting it away
maybe one day,we will be asked to justify going to heaven
with what we did on earth
i don't want to fall short on that day
i don't want to know i could have done so much more
for we are all racing to our deaths

but i don't want to miss our on everything mortal

i won't let someone elses coffin lie on my consience

Bitter Sweet Defeat

2005-02-22T07:16:00.000-08:00

Hai
nus was 2 days ago
where we've lost for the third time at a semi final round
the feeling isn't dissapointment
it isn't agnuish
or saddness
just a feeling of immense frustration
its incredible how we can do our best for three times and not go through
i was sort of expecting such a result
almost like i'm too used to it
sigh
i hate losing, i mean who does
but when you loose three times in a row, somethings gotta be wrong
and yet me, feng yao and kenneth have gone through so many thousand re-hab pep talk and refreshment sessions with xander and jun yi
we've changed our prep
we've changed the way we write our speeches
we've changed our concepts of preparing, pre-empting rebuttals
fuck it lar...nothing works

we got ranked
well for a first, my first, having not been ranked in youth 14s, at 6th,
falling short of sam cheam (heh good one dude)
and feng yao got 4th not one of his better performances...he guesses its his decorum
and kenneth by some amazing grace got 2nd which came as a shocker for all including us

so
NUS the good the bad and the ugly
i reserve my comments on the finals, however.

i don't ever want to loose again
yet this is impossible.
a un-realistic dream
and something we said and promised ourselves at the last competition
yet it has failed us
irritation...
JGs this friday, i'm not psycholligically hyped
maybe it'll come tomorrow or something
till then
chao

if you cross the line
damn straight im gonna hurt you

Come Undone

2005-02-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

So unimpresed but so in awe
Such a saint but such a whore
So self aware so full of shit
so in dsicive so amdamant
im contemplating thinking about thinking
its overated just get another drinking
i come undone

they're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
pray that when im coming down you'll be asleep
if i ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
because im scum
and i'm your son
i come undone

so rock and roll so coperate suit
so damn ugly so damn cute
so well trained so animal
so need your love so fuck you all
im not scared of dying i just dont want to
if i stopped lying i'd just dissapoint you
i'd come undone

they're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
pray that when im coming down you'll be asleep
if i ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
because im scum
and im your son
i come undone

So write another ballat
mix it on a wednesday
sell it on a thrusday
buy a yacht by saturday its a love song
a love song
do another interview
sing a bunch of lies
tell about clebreties and they're despise
and its a love song
we sing love songs
so sincre
so sincre

they're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
pray that when im oming down you'll be asleep
in your pretence you thought you'd book a seat
i come undone
i am scum
love your son

from me
love your son
yeah yeah yeah

there a just some songs that scream out the true detail and vividness of life
this in particular highlights the ficklness, rebellion, and soul freeing power of a person
a person who is intrestingly in a certain point of view, in total control of his life
something i hope to attain.A person who isn't afraid of losing anything or everything, but rather strongly anf fully exercising his freedom of choice in relation to whatever conditions he imposes.
Respect, to these people, for they have grasped life in they're hands, and are ready to leave it when the time comes. For them, the choice it seems is in they're hands, it may be false, but at least they are able to believe in themselves till the day they die.

to the well organised mind
death is but the next great adventure

Clarrifications

2005-02-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

I Am not in love, infatuated , or midly interested in anyone at this point of time
Even if I was, its not your problem
So drop the accusations, cause its getting annoying
Finally, if you're offended by this, you'd better be
it was your choice to come here, and its your choice to leave

i apologise

NUS Invitationals/DEP Finale

2005-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

Saturday
A enitre day devoted and spent by debates, and debaters
The start of the NUS Vice Chancellor's shield debate competition was a good one,
two out of three debates is a decent score
though it could have been better.
so till this date, i have yet to have a win over my bishan rivals,
wheather it has been softball or debates,
one day
one day
i will.
intresting competition it was too, highly controversial at the end
incredibly weird in the middle thanks to some "creative" motions
and tiring in the morning.
We have to work on our fitness...
me and feng yao were completely and visibly drained by the time of our second debate

Didn't really have the intentions and the will to go for dep after that,
simply just too tired,
among other reasons, as some of you MAY know.
But nontheless go we did,
and so just in case i may not see you guys again in dep, in a case that i don't get in.if i apply

thank you to the coaches
-more to michelle
--thanks to you, for the trainings we had, the stuff i've learned, from the geneva conventions which consists of over a hundred General provisions and articles to learning what comprised of a welfare state. thank you for the fun, the venue, the drinks, the "scoldings" that were dealt out by you. =) (i know this is completely un-structured and messy with a serious lack of signpositng)

-to the rest of you
--Thanks to all of you as well.Though i'm more then sure i'll be meeing you around. It was fun to work with you guys, and in the case of geran and ben, sleep with you too! =) Hope to see you guys this year, rather, hope we all get in again this time around too...cheers!

It is intresting what arraon said,
that debates isn't everything.
Its a sad thing that what he says is actually true.
I've fallen for it, i've quit 2 of my ccas to devote my attention to it,
-i apologiese to the softballers and mr goh for screwing whatever plans you had in mind
i don' know how i'll live without it acutally
its happened with my seniors as well
we just love it too damn much
i dont ever want to give it up
but i know in the end,
i have to, i can't waste my life on it
it has become the dorminant activity on my agenda
and in a way it is bad...

thanks aaraon for the talk
you've always been a great comunicator for and to us!
~adios

oh yes
i'm the great pretender

A sympathy letter to a inapt maths teacher

2005-02-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

I've just finished a 1 and a half hour maths tution.
In which i have learnt more then what i've learnt in school for the past two weeks
in terms of math lessons.
Normally, by a moral code, i do not accuse teacher's for my dissapointing performances
in respective subjects.
This is one case where i have no choice.
My maths teacher has spent the last week or so trying to teach us remainder and factor theroms'
of which at the end of today i had only a vague idea, no thanks to her as well.
In two hours, i have learnt and understood more then i would have, spending two weeks in her class.
I apologiese for any offending lauange, but seriously, i find that at a very basic level, a teacher is expected to ensure the class learns, or at least tries her best to
In which case i have not seen it happening
yes indeed, it is the fault of the whole class who have been less then attentive during her lessons, making it near impossible to concentrate on anything
however is it our fault that we resort to this.
it may seem as a very immature point of view, i concede
however
i simply cannot blame my classmates for not lettting off a bit of steam during her lesson
as i've said to countless friends, "wheather or not you are in her lesson, it dosent make a difference"
Hence, where there is really nothing to do in a far less then fruitful, extremly dry and otherwise un-enforced class, i'd expect any other sane normal class to turn wild
as what is happening now
Yet i cannot help but feel sympathy for her
maybe it is due to her inexperience
or maybe it just isn't her forte to be a teacher
whatever the case, it is incredulous to see the school have such a flimsy checking system on the compatibillity of the teacher
by all accounts she is supposed to be a relieve teacher
however i believe when it comes down to a subject such as A/E maths it is extremly deleterious to allow such a teacher to be teaching us for a prolongged period of time.
i myself am barely coping, i dread to see how the more slacker type friends in my class do in the up and coming common tests.

Aside that, thanks to all of you who have left posts two entries ago
its really thoguhtful of you
cheers! =)

a voice cries out in the dark

Is it really love?

2005-01-30T16:53:00.000-08:00

I was talkling to sherry today, and amidst the discussion she posed a very intresting question
did you like anyone in the first place
This set me thinking
and she was quite right in fact, i realised that though i've had countless flings in the near past
none of which can actually quantify itself strong enough to be seen as love
or anywhere near it.
In fact i can't actually say that i've never experienced the feelings of infatuation before
the point is that through the number of times anything close to having feelings for someone has ever occoured
they were nothing more then attractions
going no further than that
I apologiese to those whom may have had a misguided view of me
wheather it is emotionaly or anywhere otherwise
it was never real
therefore i say to those who incessantly try to matchmake people
not only in my case but others

it is impossible

because personally i've have only ever had a crush on one person
on one person alone
-some of you reading this may know
and she has been the only one
indeed the strings of emotional attachment have not all left me
i do not anymore feel for her

the point is this
i've only ever had feelings for one person
and no one else
my point in writing this is to set any misconceptions on me straight
i Do Not have feelings for anyone now
wheather i will ever in the future remains to be seen
but till then my marital status is still Single
and nothing more

im not in a relationship physically or emotionaly

this passage may get no where
but i hope some of you may strike a kind of parrallel from this

Defeat

2005-01-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

Friday 28th of December 2005

A day that will live in infamy
we lost both our matches at th first preliminay round at Julia Gabriels
Not that it has never happened before
its just abit hard to be at the recieving end of it
I guess i wouldnt have cared so much if i wasn't in team 1
but now that i am, and that i've worked considerably hard to get into it
Its really hard to see months and weeks of work go down the drain
I know losing is a fault of ours
Not performing
Not doing proper analysis of my rebuttals
Not being discipline enough to make sure simple things were covered
which in this case cost us dearly

i bear resentment towards those who decided this fate
It is clear
yet some moral concience in me won't let me have the vindictive pleasure of putting the blame on them
irritating
its intresting how i would have cursed the second team to loose before their match
simply because they just did not give a shit about the competition before then
and yet how i supported them with the spirit of a team while they were debating
-good job guys, you out did us
yet they lost to opponents who did well as well to bring Us down

its rough really at the end to think that it was your fault
your fault that you lost
and that you really can't blame anyone else

maybe we didnt work enough
maybe it was the overshadowing ego that was ever present
maybe we just didnt perform
or maybe it is true that we arent as good as them
this i personally am not ready to accept

i hate to lose knowing that i could have done better
its just alot better knowing that you've done your best
and that your opponents just were better then you
at least then you have somewhere to start working on

here and now
the sad sorrowful atmosphere let loose to maddness
how long it will last is unknown
i dont know about the rest of my team mates
but
though we had fun after that
i know that its just a facade
the real test
and time to vindicate myself will be this saturday
i don't want to lose again knowing that i could have done much better
cause it just sucks

heres to you again team 2...you did us proud...
you did us all proud

we'll go to our grave with our head held high
and we will give them hell before we do

Boredom

2005-01-23T05:37:00.000-08:00

Boredom
what to do with it.
I know i am seriously wasting away my life like this...but yet there is nothing i can do.
i spent the entire day today wasting time
its not that i don't see the value of time, i just don't see where or how i can pt it to good use
sigh

The Flickering Candle Theory

2005-01-22T05:02:00.000-08:00

Fine.
It is a theory i establish on my own. But still no one said you'd have to be a doctor or proffesor in order to generate these theories.
Well i was in cat. class today, though Jared D Brilliantly set my candle on fire and i was choking in fumes.
I notice how much effort people put in to trying to keep their flames alive.
The thesis of my point is that no matter how much we differ in our characters and egos, we are still denominated as humans at the end of the day.
It is intresting to look how people, who are cruel and brutal (with no refrence to anyone in my class) can care so much for a non-living non-existant entity.
We are set aside by what we value, yet common in a fundamental basis of our human instincts.
How we as humans no matter what our morals or mindets are still have the sanity to save a flame from dying out.
It is a intresting view point to see just how much we would fight for something so insignificant, in our day and age, to ensure its survival.
Maybe its our ansetral values that have been passed down to treasure the finer things in life.
How much they treasured fire then, and how little it means to us now.
I know i am drawing very assinuous links but yet, these are but just mere observations.

Enjoy the finner things in life
Cause even they will be taken from you

2005-01-14T06:09:00.000-08:00

its incredible
how unfit one can get within 5 months or so
happily i've wasted all the muscles that i grew in secondary one for softball to a sorry state.
i was lapped today by edmund...which by my standards should never have happened...but anyhow,i wasnt really focusing today.
its such a negative trend that i have surcumbed to.
It seems that in secondary three everyone sleeps in class.
and the same is hapening to me
though i still seem to be studying more.
all of a sudden i'm sleeping in ALL my classes save for biology and history.
Apart from the fact that i've been sleeping at 1245 or later for the entire week
it seems odd how i suddenly dare to sleep right under my teachers nose.
brilliance, and i happen not to be the only one
for te first time i dis'd a english homework completely cause i believed it to be too lame
"write a funny essay that cld make the blind laugh"
what a joke
my teachers are horrible.
theres no shortage of people who are predicting then impending failures and possible retention at the end of this year
its a desperate fight
but fight i must!
im drained
more or less completely

hey val!
hahaha..i pity you ! lol
i finally think twice whenever i claim i am tired...so the above was quite painful for me to type ;)

but anyways
three compeitions within the span of 3 weeks
how completely wonderful
bah
going to go on gaming for a while before i hit the sack =)
cao all...once again leave me a comment!

2005-01-13T07:31:00.000-08:00

contrary to what anyone of u may have read earlier =P
i shall resume bloggin for now
i cant seem to remember my tagboards password so be kind and like a message in the comments area
irritatingly
i juz finished a minute portion of my ten year series
msn crashed on me
meaning that i cant communicate with my juniors
to arrange stuff for tmr cca exhibiton
so im screwed

ah
sec 3 life
weird
i seem to be studying like 10 times more then i ever did last year
like i used to sleep in class and now i actualy listen and take down notes
my teachers
range from attrocious to ambitious to great -pardon my spelling =P
im like holding alot of tension now =(
ive got stuff to organise
piles or work to be done
of which im self ommiting a few to never see the tip of my pen
competitions!
and dead tiredness =(
sigh
im gonna drop dead soon
but given that there are worser people then me i shall not comment heez

so hello again everyone apologies to my absence
though i doubt any of you would haf missed me
=P
juz a place for me to rant
and for u as a last stop when u have no where else to surf

Indesicion

2004-12-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

I've always has this theory
that one's mind
is rarely ever not made up
As the mind and the physical body are two diffrent entities
I'm bent over two choices now
pros
cons
they dont matter
as said in the matrix
the chemical reactions taking place within one's body
coursing through ones veins
intent on bypassing logic and reason
indesicion, it is our natural check and balance
yet sadly the human mind is too susceptible to the emotions of the body
expect this not to have a conclusion
i can't explain the intricacies of the mind
yet this dillusionment
isnt the best feeling in the world

im suffering in my own little world
a world i created on my own
a world i seek to destroy