reflections

i'm not one to believe in signs.
but today walking around j8 i recienved one

today a few things hit me
i talked to tze kai for a record 4 or so hours non stop
amazing.
during that time i got a few insights
and i walked off interestingly depressed.

the first revelation.

we walked into popular,
for no particular reason and i looked around
its been 4 years.
every time i walked into popular
i would never not come out without a debate book, or having scouted and looked for one that i would buy to replace my old one.
this time, i didnt
i came across the wide array of various books
and i realised that i didnt have a need to browse through them
i didnt
it felt awkward
weird
and most of all
saddening.
a life a culture had been put to an end.
and right there i had realised it.

then tze kai told me
every morning since last friday he asked himself when he woke up, why was he not a champion.
i told him in reply
the first question i ask myself is do i have to wake up
which is alway true.
then i realised
that i ask myself later on in the day
why did i ever wake up.
and so i live by this credo
till the day where i am able to convicingly ask myself
do i have to wake up?
yes, i've life to live and lots to achive
why did i ever wake up?
cause if i didn't, i wouldnt be where i am today, at the top of the world, and having fulfiled everything i set out to do.
until that day comes
i shall remain down and consumed in my own patheticness

the third and final sign.
i was about to leave for home when i decided that i shall walk around j8
the place which had been my relaxation spot for the last 6 or so years
as i probably wouldnt be able to see it anytime soon
so i did.
i walked in self reflection not really intending to meet anyone
but on level 4 of j8
i met aaron chee.
moving down i went to level 3
where i met gary, my ex softball mate.
level 2
i met chen xiao, my class monitor and mate.
level 1
i met some guy who looked amazingly like jared dass but wasnt him
basement level
i met collin tang.
and on my way out i met chris and andre

incredible
amazingly it reflected everything about my life.
my current life revolving around debates
i saw in aaron
my past, my softball days, and everything else
i saw in gary
my current friends and people that will live thorough o's with me, the highs and most of the lows
i saw in chenxiao
my spititual life that is vastly lacking and failing
i saw in a person who looked like jared but wasnt actualy him.
my future, or the future of debates
i saw in collin
my past, everything i ever wanted and never wanted at the same time
i saw in chris
my friend who had been with me the longest
i saw in andre

life hit you
in the most interesting ways.

i learnt one thing from goh yong han.
no one knows how you feel, rightfully most people don't really care, the world doesnt care
all they care about is seeing the results.
only then will they know how good you are.
before that, they will never know how much you go through, they will never know the pain and hardship, they will never know because they were not there to see you through the tasks that only you yourself could do.
and because of this, you've just have one person to prove anything to
and that's yourself
because the world at large only cares about results
save for the few friends who ride it out with you.
but otherwise
prove it to yourself first
then you won't care what the world thinks
cause you know you're a champion anyway.

this i hope is your answer tze kai

i do hope i'd apply it to myself.



-i walk alone.